R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Randomize
