I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
