Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Never underestimate the power of titties
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
