Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
