The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize