my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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