you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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