Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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