Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
