He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
