I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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