I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
