Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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