his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
