There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
