do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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