Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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