He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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