Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
