You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
