But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
