So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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