I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
