come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize