I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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