Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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