I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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