3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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