Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
