uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I supernannyed him into submission
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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