What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
