saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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