Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
