Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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