Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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