I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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