We're facebook friends in real life
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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