if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
