Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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