I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
