Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
false alarm, still single
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
