I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
