There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
