It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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