I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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