I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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