I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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