Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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