you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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