The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize