and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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