so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
