So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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