So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
