apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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