Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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