You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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