im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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