her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
