At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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