I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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